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fear of love and emotional dependency | |
hi, i have a small problem, at least i think its a small problem. i am an aspiring psychologist, currently i am a graduate student which has taken over practically all of my adult life. i plan on going right back into graduate school to pursue my psyd in clinical psychology. because of my knowledge of psychology and things relating to it, i was sure i understood myself and my needs. i am also a devout christian who seeks christian counsel and understanding of my spiritual self. considering all of this...i know me right? wong. there is this guy who really likes me and i find that i really like him too. i have felt the stomach flutters and the heart palpitations that occur when there's a deep infatuation. but i have also experienced the feelings of deep concern and care. i care about this person and i think he cares about me too in a small way. he has told others, others who were close to me, that he would help me if i ever needed him. one of our mutual friends told me, using a different name and year, that she knew of a person who really wanted to get to know "this young woman" but he was afraid he'd be turned down.
part of this is true, even though i really wish i could say yes...sure...i like you too. i have always seen relationships before me break into pieces. i have seen so many relationships broken and so many women in my family and others so very torn apart. i am the product of a grandfather who had an affair; my father had an affair on my mother and left us when i was two. psychologically i think this has had an effect on me whether i realize it or not. now that i am an adult (23 years old), i'm finding that it is something that has effected me greatly. this man that i like has wanted to get to know me for two years but i pushed him away and refused to give in. i also made it a point to show him that i didn't want him to come closer. however, at one time we just stared at each other as if we were speaking to one another. he has ways of letting me know. he has also showed some territorial behavior as if i am something to him. my point is that there appears to be some true feelings to go on and perhaps some true interest on my part and his. however, i'm almost sure that i have sent mixed messages because of my fear of emotional dependency. i truly appreciate the presence of a male simply because i have never experienced that growing up. i'm emotionally needy of male protection and perhaps the feeling of security. i understand that i should probably not look for this protection/security in a romantic relationship for the reason of dependency. considering this, i am afraid to let him in or to let him get so close to my heart that he hurts me. i can't imagine how my grandmother lived after she found my grandfather having an affair. i can't imagine how i would be if that were to happen to me. i love pretty hard and i'm the type of woman who appreciates family life. i would give my all as a wife and a mother. i even look forward to that one day. but i just don't know if i'll be able to let go and experience love because of my fear of loving someone who might hurt me. i think i might have some trust issues in addition to some issues of feeling a lack of control over my feelings. loving someone as intimately as man and woman love each other, puts me in a small state of fear.
humbly asking for your advise, will i ever be able to move past these feelings which might be irrational? is there anything that i could perhaps do to grow past this stage? will i have to just let go somewhere in my life and let love happen in order for me to move past my fear?
thank you so much, your response will be appreciated.
Answers:
From: mark arcenas
a women's heart have to b so engulf in god so a man must know god first before loving her and finding her
From: Mark
this sounds like an issue that would come up after you get engaged, not before your first date. i think you should just talk to the guy and let him know your fears and why.
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